***To get the full picture of this birth story, you need to know how my first birth with Selah went; you can read about hers here. Also if you keep up with me, you know that Rowan was a total surprise! You can read about how she came along here. ***

My biggest hope for this birth was for it to be a good experience.

It was always Plan A to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with baby number 2. I obsessed over it. I listened to podcasts about it, watched live VBAC births on YouTube and talked to sooo many people about it and I was so sure that that is what I wanted. My doctor was totally on board and we had a plan in action: if baby didn’t come by my due date 2/25, we had a c-section already scheduled for the 26th. She explained that the risks with VBAC get higher after baby passes the due date. I was totally cool with this plan because I was confident that this baby was going to come early because I had been having braxton hicks for months. Then…life happened and reality set in.

Soooo many things were happening in our family’s lives in the few months prior to the birth…

1) Josh accepted a new position at a church in a different town in the beginning of January. (You can read more about that here)

2) Our insurance at his current job would only last until the end of February and the new job’s insurance didn’t start up until April

3)We had to move out of our house by February 18th.

4) Selah and I had been super sick with all kinds of illnesses. I had pink eye 3 times, multiple cold viruses and a horrible sinus infection right up until the day I gave birth….like so sick that I haven’t been that sick in years.

To say I was weary and anxious is an understatement. I was so stressed out about the timeline of everything happening, I was having massive panic attacks in the middle of the night. A few weeks before the due date, I was crying to my sister about how nervous I was about everything and how I hoped the baby came early but also waited until I was done being sick when she spoke wisdom that struck my heart…she said, “just do the c-section”. She explained that it would literally take care of all my stresses because we could plan it and we would know what to expect. She assured me that I had nothing to prove and if I truly did want a smoother birth than the last time, this was the best way to assure that happened. When she explained this to me, I just felt a peace wash over me that only could have come from God. I had been praying for a smooth and redemptive birth fervently since I found out I was pregnant. To me, this looked like a VBAC and giving birth the “normal” way, but God answered this prayer different than what it looked like in my mind.

I was so wrapped up in what I thought was the right way to give birth and obsessed over it. I had this weird belief that choosing to have a repeat c-section made me less of a woman, that I wasn’t strong enough to give birth on my own. I was letting social media and people’s opinions indoctrinate me when it came to my own body. The truth of the matter is, I did what was best for me and the circumstances I was given.

I was so nervous to tell my doctor about wanting to have a repeat c-section just a couple weeks before the due date, I was shaking. When I told her, she smiled and totally reassured me that this was a perfectly fine decision, in fact, she told me that women that have had traumatic births before usually have a much better experience doing the repeat c-section. She could tell how much anxiety I had about my last birth and about all the circumstances surrounding this birth and responded to me in such a gracious way. I was very much at peace after that appointment and knew I made the right decision.

The birth date was set for February 19th, which I was stoked about because 2/19/19 is easy to remember! After I had this date set, everything fell into place. We were able to plan out when we would move everything out of our house, arrange an air bnb to stay in until the birth and assure that we would indeed have the insurance to cover the birth. It truly eased my mind knowing that I would know exactly when it was going to happen. The hospital that I went to has a new program for c-section mothers to help them recover quicker and without narcotics which I was very thankful for.

While I was totally at peace with my decision to have another c-section, I will admit that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone else. I felt like people would judge me for not doing it naturally. It really feels like there is a lot of shame in our culture, well at least the circles I’m in, with choosing c-sections as an alternative birth option. I don’t really know why though! Historically, so many women have died during childbirth as well as their children, and if it wasn’t for modern medicine, this would still be happening all the time! With Selah, she very well could have not survived if they didn’t get her out when they did! While this birth wasn’t an emergency, I wanted more than anything to have a calm, smoothe and untraumatic birth for my own sanity, so that is what I chose.

This has all just been background information about how I got to our birth…here’s the actual birth story lol

2 days before my surgery, my family came to town and we all were staying in a spacious air bnb by the hospital because we had just moved out of our rental. It was so so nice having them all there and really helped me stay calm. The night before the scheduled c-section, we all went out to The Old Spaghetti Factory where Josh’s mom and husband met us and had such a great time. My heart was so full knowing that they were all there to support me and help with Selah. The morning of, I got to drink coffee and just relax at the air bnb with my family until it was time to go to the hospital. It was so surreal knowing that we would so soon be a family of 4 and finally find out if we were having a son or a daughter! I cried when I left Selah because that was the last time she would be an only child. I didn’t know how she would react to being an older sister. Josh and I left for the hospital and got checked in right away. I put the gown on and they hooked me up to an IV. Honestly, the IV was the most painful part of the whole thing! I was kind of embarrassed because there was a young male nursing student who would be observing the surgery and I tried not to think about how he was going to not only see me naked but also all my insides. When my doctor arrived, I was so happy to see her, but she was frustrated that the nurse that was supposed to have me all ready to go took a lunch break, which made me feel awkward because she was clearly frustrated. Finally, they told me it was time so I literally walked down to the operating room. Last time, I was being rushed there on a bed while they were pumping me full of medicine, so it was a lot different. I sat on the bed and they gave me the spinal. It didn’t hurt at all and my doctor held my hand which made me feel less awkward. The effect took place IMMEDIATELY, so they lay me down and threw up a curtain and brought Josh in. They literally started surgery like 2 minutes after the spinal tap which was super weird to me but I was so incredibly numb I didn’t feel a thing. Josh and I just kind of stared at each other not knowing what to say. I remember telling him how bad I wanted a frappuccino and how I couldn’t wait to meet our baby. Last time, I was all doped up on drugs, frantic, shaking and crying just hoping everything would be ok…much different. Within 6 minutes we heard the cry of our baby! I started crying instantly and knew it was a girl by how high pitched the cry was. The doctor said, “daddy, tell mommy what it is”! It seemed like it took Josh a million years to say what it was because he couldn’t tell with the chord right between its legs! Finally, he said, “It’s a girl” but almost in a kind of questioning way. We were SHOCKED! We were so certain that we were having a boy, but God had this little lady in mind for us all along! The nurse holding her told me that she was going to take Josh to clean her up but that they would bring her right back, which I really appreciated her saying because last time they took Selah away and never brought her back. A few minutes later, they brought her back and put her right next to me! I was so excited to have her with me! The doctors said they were going to finish sewing me up and that the baby and Josh would meet me in recovery in just a few minutes.

After they left, I just laid there with the stupidest grin on my face in awe that we had a girl. I was imagining her and Selah growing up as sisters and how they would be best friends. I was chatting with God about how this was His plan and that I was so thankful for a daughter even though I was hoping for a boy. It just seemed right in that moment. It took a while for them to sew me up and it was kind of awkward. The doctors were chatting about one of their daughters going to an escape room for her birthday and the nurse was pointing out all my body parts to the male nursing student. She was saying, “now this is the bladder right here and this is the uterine wall” and it kind of freaked me out knowing that my insides were available for everyone to see. I almost felt like they forgot that I was fully present and awake until my doctor said everything went perfectly and then rushed out. When they pulled the curtain down, I saw blood on the overhead light and asked if it was mine and they said yes and that kind of freaked me out. To be honest, the whole surgery itself was a weird experience and I had to keep telling myself not to freak out and just think about my new daughter. It’s a scary thing being awake for surgery! From start to finish the surgery was like 35 minutes. I was glad to be wheeled out and reunited with Josh and Rowan in the recovery room. I got to do skin to skin with her for 2 whole hours! This was my biggest prayer, that I would be able to hold my child after they were born because I didn’t get to hold Selah for over a day after she came out. It was the sweetest time ever and it made the surgery totally worth it! Josh and I just kept saying how much better the experience was than last time and were just so so thankful. Rowan nursed right away and I just couldn’t stop smiling because it was pure bliss getting to connect with my baby right after she was born. I couldn’t believe she was ours and that she was a she! The spinal tap started to wear off and they took me to the postpartum room that I’d be staying in. After I shimmied myself onto the bed and got comfortable, my family called that they were there and I couldn’t wait to tell them we had a GIRL! They were all shocked and Sammy, my twin, instantly started crying and then I started crying. It was super fun to be honest. So much joy filled the room, whereas last time, it was full of despair because we didn’t know what was wrong with Selah. Everyone was gawking over Rowan and I suddenly got suuuper nauseas. I made eyes with Josh and motioned for the puke bag. I silently puked in the bag for like 2 minutes and I was so embarrassed because there were so many people in there, but no one noticed! They all left after a little while and then the nurses got me up to stand to start healing from the surgery. I was bracing for a lot of pain but there was none! I was stoked. The whole hospital stay was so so so easy and so great! The nurses were super efficient and they honestly made it feel more like a hotel than the hospital. For every meal, Josh and I got to order a full meal off a menu and on top of that there was a snack room that ANYONE, patients or visitors alike, could walk to and grab coffee, coke, ice cream, crackers, jello…all sorts of things! It was awesome! There was also an afternoon tea time service that came around every day. Something else that was different this time around was having visitors. Last time I didn’t want any visitors because I thought Selah was going to die, but this time all of our friends from the church came to visit and it was so sweet and made the time pass by quickly. My absolute favorite visit was from Selah when she came to see her sister for a second time, she came barreling in through the doors looking for Rowan and when she couldn’t see her she started crying saying, “where’s Rowan?!” and started to run back out the door to find her when we showed her that she was in my arms and Selah was so happy to see her. She kept asking, “she ok? Rowan ok?” it was so freaking precious. I made it through the whole hospital stay without getting high blood pressure and I was stoked! We were released with our new precious babe 3 days after the surgery and we drove straight from the hospital to the Central Coast where we moved in with my sister and her family! It was a whirlwind for sure but I’m so happy with how the experience was so much better than the last time!

If the circumstances and timing were different, I for sure would have tried for a VBAC but I’m still happy with my decision to do the repeat c-section. My main goal was for the birth of my second to be a better experience and it truly was.

Our little Rowan is one month old now and she is an absolute DREAM! She sleeps all the time, hardly ever cries and I am effortlessly connecting with her. She is seriously such an answer to prayer.