Birth Story

The birth of my firstborn was less than ideal. In fact, it was down right traumatizing. It’s taken me until now (4.5 months after) to feel ok about writing it down because until now, when I would talk about how she was born, I would get extreme anxiety. Through talking about it with many other moms and giving it to the Lord, I feel like I’ve some what worked through it. So…here’s how it happened:

Josh and I had been specifically praying for over a month that the Lord would let us know when to go to the hospital by way of my water breaking because I didn’t trust myself to be diligent about counting and timing contractions. I had just read that only 10% of women go into labor by their water breaking and was getting used to the idea that I would probably not be one of them.

On Saturday, August 6th, Josh and I decided to go walk around the mall and see a movie. I started having some more intense contractions during the movie, but it was only a few of them and they were inconsistent, so I didn’t think much of it. When we got home, I was just trying to get comfortable on the couch when a huge gush of fluid came bursting forth! I was actually really embarrassed because I didn’t think it was my water breaking so I told Josh I would clean it up right away, but when I got up, more and more fluid came a’gushin! We both freaked out and knew it was my water! We both stayed surprisingly calm and got our things together. I hopped in the shower while Josh finished cooking and eating the dinner we had just started to make. We packed up our things and headed to the hospital. We both just couldn’t believe that the Lord answered our prayer…but then again, we could totally believe it because He is God and He loves us! When we got to the hospital parking lot, We prayed and cried and then went forward through the automatic hospital doors at 7:30 knowing our lives would never be the same after exiting those same doors.

They checked me into a room pretty quickly and my contractions were well on their way. In fact, the L&D nurse told me that I was having too many contractions according to the books but since the baby was doing fine, it was all good. I was shocked by the intensity of the pain! It was more that I just couldn’t get a break from the constant contractions. I was told that I could get an epidural at 4 centimeters dilated. When the nurse checked me after an hour, I was only 2 centimeters dilated…2! I was instantly discouraged and didn’t know what I was going to do! I had a stack of flash cards with Bible verses to help me focus on the Lord and that helped put my mind at ease and heart focused on the One who created life itself. These were the verses, my lifeline:

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” Isaiah 26:3

“When my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I” Psalm 61:2

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear…” Psalm 46:1-2

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Phil. 4:6-7

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with y righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” Isaiah 40:29

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”

2 Tim. 1:7

“Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father…” Col. 1:11-13

“ My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. “ 2 Cor. 12:9

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” Phil. 4:13

The nurse said I could take an IV medication that would help me sleep through the contractions, and I got to a point where I couldn’t see a reason not to, so I did. They did help me sleep…a little…they helped Josh sleep a lot. Josh hit the sack HARD when he realized that I was more comfortable, so much so I had to yell and clap at him to wake him up in the middle of the night! My family arrived after driving 3 hours around this time and I was a little delirious with pain and loopy from the IV meds and told them just to spend the night at our place and come back in the morning because I wasn’t dilating very quickly. I called the nurse sometime in the wee hours of the morn to ask if I was 4 centimeters yet and she said that I was 3 and I almost lost it! How could I be having so many contractions and not be dilating?! It sure felt like my cervix was being stretched apart! She saw my pain and the constant intense contractions on the monitor and decided to let me have the blessed epidural! PRAISE GOD! I was scared to get the epidural in my spine, but mustered up all my courage and prayed and you know what, I didn’t feel a thing! It gave me sweet release from the pain!

In the morning, things went downhill. It felt like the epidural was wearing off and I was very aware of the contractions again. I called the nurse and told her and she said that it felt like that because she wanted me to stay laying flat because the baby was acting a little funny. When the nurses switched shifts a little later, I told the new nurse how bad it was hurting so she called the anesthesiologist to give me another dose. He did, thankfully, but then my room was suddenly filled with 7 nurses and they were all saying that the baby’s heartbeat was too high and they needed to take her out NOW. They were all freaking out saying that no doctor’s were on sight and no one was answering their call and then the main nurse told them to keep calling until a doctor would come because the baby needed to come out! Meanwhile, I was shaking uncontrollably, thinking that my baby was going to die and Josh was super calm and trying to get me to take deep breaths. They started numbing me for the surgery and what felt like 7 minutes later, I was in the operating room. I still couldn’t stop shaking and crying and I could still feel my toes and kept telling the anastesiologist, and he said it was fine and the next thing I knew, there was a little asian woman cutting me open and pulling my daughter out! I was surprised at the intense pressure I felt when she pulled Selah out with the suction cup thingy. She was born at 8:30am. I heard a little cry and then the doctors all said how big she was and how much hair she had. They let josh cut the cord, take a picture, and then they shoved her by my ear and I couldn’t even see her. Then they whisked her away and I was stuck in the operating room, listening to the staplegun with the nurses and anastesiologist. I felt so lonely and pathetic. I didn’t know what to think…I was so depressed that I didn’t get to see her. I didn’t want to keep crying in front of the nurses, so I asked what they were doing and they told me how they were cleaning up her poop that she left on me. Lovely. I had no idea what was wrong with Selah, and I was scared out of my mind. I couldn’t stop shaking and they wheeled me into a recovery room by myself. I was alone with a nurse for what felt like days (probably 2 hours) and I just lost it. I felt so sad that I couldn’t see my baby and be with her. No one was telling me what was wrong with her, so I thought she was dying or going to have serious issues or something. Josh and my family stopped by to see me, but I told them to stay with Selah. I finally got to be wheeled into the NICU where my baby was to see her later that day but I felt so horrible because I couldn’t even stay awake to see her, due to all the drugs. I felt like such a failure and was so depressed.

The day after she was born, I FINALLY got to hold my precious little girl! When I arrived to her little incubator at the NICU, she was crying. When she was placed in my arms and heard my voice, she instantly stopped crying and just nuzzled me. I was the opposite…I instantly started crying! I couldn’t believe that she knew who I was! It was the first time, outside the womb, that we had properly met.

She was in the NICU for 5 days and I would walk down the long hall with Josh to feed her a bottle and hold her, but josh was the one that was making all the decisions and learning everything about her situation because I was so out of it. I was focusing on pumping every 3 hours and getting annoyed by all the nurses. It was actually pretty horrible and depressing. Without josh and my family…I don’t know how I would have made it through.

I ended up having to stay at the hospital even longer because of my high blood pressure and they diagnosed me with postpartum-eclampsia. I was put on bedrest, hooked up to all kinds of IV’s and monitors and on 24hr watch. NOT FUN.

After the 24hrs of the magnesium push, they wanted to keep us one more day (why…I don’t know) but that ended up being the day they released Selah from the NICU! She was only released to Josh because I was not well, but I decided to give Josh much needed rest and I would take care of my baby through the night. That ended up being a lot harder than I thought it would be! She was used to the bottle from being in the NICU, so she wouldn’t take to my breast. She cried and cried and cried all night and I felt so bad because we were back in Labor & Delivery, after the postpartum nurses weren’t capable of taking care of my issues, so all the poor ladies in labor heard Selah screaming all night! I was at an all time low. I failed in delivery. I failed in taking care of my baby. Now I was failing in nursing. I remember praying so hard and beseeching my friends to pray as well for the Lord to help Selah nurse. The next day…she did! I was so thankful to God and knew in my spirit that He listens and He wants good for me! I was so relieved and ecstatic that God answered my prayer so quickly!

We waited all day to get the ok to go home. We couldn’t understand why they were keeping us! Josh, Selah and I were all a hot mess in desperate need of a shower. The nurse kept urging me to take a shower there (that tells you how bad I was) but I kept telling her that I will shower when I’m home! We were quite a sight when we left the hospital, but when we finally did, it was pure delirious joy!

The whole time in the hospital, all I felt was hopeless. I could tell you about all the awful mistreatment from the postpartum nurses, or how I was never told what was actually wrong with my child or myself or even how the hospital didn’t offer my poor husband food, but all that matters is that God got us through. He got us through, and he has blessed us beyond belief with the most beautiful baby girl who has quickly captured our hearts! So, in the end, it doesn’t matter how she got here, all that matters is that she’s here.