It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on this platform and honestly…it’s been because I’ve been suuuuper busy experiencing my first “family photo season” in photography and…well…I haven’t really wanted to write because I was not in a super good place.

I’d like to preface this post by stating that the second part of 2018 nearly did me in. I know this may sound weird to you, but the loss of the boy that we were walking towards adoption with really sent me on a loop spiritually. It was something that I was so sure that God was orchestrating for us and so clearly His plan for us, that when I found out it wasn’t, I felt like I couldn’t trust what I thought God was doing at all in my life anymore. Then…we got pregnant (your can read about that here). Then my twin sister got pregnant and we were so incredibly happy to be on the road to baby number 2 together. Then her baby stopped growing and was lost and that was devastating for us all. I felt such guilt about growing a baby that I didn’t even plan on when she was dealing with the loss of her own. That sent me even further down the lonely road of not feeling like I could trust what I thought God was doing. I bet you’re wondering, ‘why are you telling us all this?’ or, ‘what does this have to do with you moving?’, well…it has everything to do with it.

You see, I found myself in a place where I was not asking God for anything anymore because I felt so defeated. I felt so fragile from all the times that He said no to the deepest desires of my heart that I didn’t feel like I should ask Him for anything because I didn’t want Him to say no again. I know, I know, this is not something you normally hear from a pastor’s wife, but I’m an open book and I don’t see the use in trying to act like I have it all together when I’m a sinner and an absolute mess just like everyone else. I type out my prayers (when I actually take the time to really pray) and on October 23, 2018, I wrote this:

Father God,

Thank you for this time alone this morning without my husband or toddler to spend time with you.   I almost found myself hesitant to do so and was making excuses in my head to do other things. I don’t know why I feel that way, Lord. It feels hard to seek you right now. Almost like, I’m afraid. I ’m afraid of pain. Of pain that through being vulnerable with you and giving you my whole heart will result in heartbreak. I think my heart has been conditioned to feel like that since I was so sure that you were going to lead us to the perfect job on the central coast two years ago and I was so thankful that you were guiding us to the adoption of B*****. Both of those things wound up in heartbreak for me. Now, Lord, you know my heart, I could never give up faith in you..it’s not in my DNA to do so. I know you are Lord and I know you work things for good. I just….I just feel wounded and tender from the last couple of years. I find myself at a similar place of wanting to trust you with guiding us to the perfect job on the Central Coast again to be with my family…but I remember all too well from the last time that it hurt so so bad when you said no.…I feel like I can’t ask you that because you’ve been saying no an awful lot to the desires of my heart.

For now…I’ll just say that I know who you are and who I am in comparison. I will choose to trust you and to be thankful for your grace. I do pray that you would help me to seek you fully again…without hesitation.

amen

Not 2 days later did I get an email of a job posting that would be perfect for Josh. Not only was it a perfect fit for him, but it was in the exact location that Josh and I had dreamed about and was offering the same salary that he makes now…which is unheard of on the central coast! I lifted up a quick prayer that if this was the job God had for us that He would either shut the door asap so we didn’t get our hopes up or that He would continue opening doors and pave the way. And the latter is exactly what He did! God did soooo many things that made getting this job unbelievably clear and easy, but I won’t get into all of that on here.

The most amazing thing to me about all this is, I’ve never been at a lower point, faith-wise, than I have been the last 6 months, and it is now that God is totally blessing me and answering the desires of my heart. To me, this is just God’s way of showing me how much He loves me because it is definitely not something I “earned” for being a good Christian or deserved for following God’s call on my life because I was so not doing either of those things! In fact, I was quite bitter with God. When I first became a follower of Christ, I truly believed that I wasn’t “good enough” to follow Him and that I had to try and prove myself by doing good things all the time, but as I’ve gone through life a little more, God has shown me over and over again that His love is not dependent on my obedience and goodness…rather He loves me at my lowest, my highest and everything in between.

I have wanted to by my family so so so bad for the last 4 years and it has been one of my deepest desires and I’ve prayed about it so much and now it’s finally happening! The timing is a little stressful because we have a baby due at the end of February and Josh’s new job starts in March….which means, we are having to navigate packing up all of our stuff the next 6 weeks, breaking our lease, waiting for baby, figuring out insurance hurdles and trying to guess when is the best time to move out completely. Some may think this is the worst timing ever, but to me, I know it’s God’s special blessing for me because He knows how great it will be for me to give birth here with the doctor I’m comfortable with and then get to move down and have all my family to help me with my children.

I am beyond stoked and I can’t wait for all that is to come! The plan as of now is to have the baby here (no later than Feb 26th), then right when we are cleared from the hospital, we are driving to the coast to move in with my sister and her family. It’s definitely going to be crazy having 4 adults and 3 kids under 3 in one house for a few months, but I also think it’s going to make a fantastic memory for when we are old and grey. Because my sister and her husband have so graciously opened their lovely home to us for a few months, we will be able to save up to buy a house of our very own! No more throwing away half of our income on rent!

And I guess I haven’t really said what Josh will be doing, so I might as well now. He is going to be the Family Pastor at Harvest Church in Arroyo Grande.

It truly is bittersweet saying good bye to San Jose because we have come to love it here and have made SUCH fantastic friends, but we know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is leading us back home.

Thank you for reading this crazy long post! I just had to get it out there and share what’s been going on in my life.