Well…kind of. This is more of the story of how you came to be, what circumstances you were formed in and what our hopes are for you, sweet little one.

First off…you were totally a surprise. Not unwanted by any means…but a TOTAL surprise nonetheless. Your dad and I were going through the process of adopting a baby boy when you were conceived and we were being careful to not get pregnant (don’t worry, you don’t need to know what that means for a looooong time)! We were expecting an 8-month-old baby boy to join our family in August when in June we got the hard news that he would no longer be part of our family. I was absolutely devastated. I got used to the idea of having this boy as your sister’s brother and as our son, yet God had other plans…you. I didn’t know it at the time, but when I got the call that this boy was no longer in the picture for us, you were already a sack of multiplying cells in my womb. During these 9 days in between finding out about our loss and finding out about you, I was so depressed and confused…honestly, I was a mess. I didn’t understand what the heck God was doing and the pain was so real.

Your dad was on a mission’s trip in Spain with our church and I went home to be with my parents for a couple weeks and do a bunch of photo shoots. It was there that I decided to take a pregnancy test, not because I thought I was pregnant really, I just wanted to know if I needed to take a few tampons with me for the day. I know that is the stupidest reason ever to take a pregnancy test…but that’s the truth. When the 2 lines popped up…I was in disbelief. My parents’ bathroom had a ton of leaks and burst pipes going on so there was a ton of huge dryers and the bathroom was a mess and I just remember everything feeling so unreal. It was like deja vu in a weirder version because that toilet is exactly where I found out I was pregnant with your sister. And just like then, I took the test and went to go show my mom. She honestly didn’t know what to say and asked if I was happy. I said “yes, of course!” which was totally true, I was super happy and shocked…yet I felt confused as well. I felt confused about having a mixture of sadness about the adoption that fell through and now being blessed with this new life. I also felt scared because I was certain God was going to take you away too from me. I know that is super negative thinking…but it’s where I was. God had just taken away this other baby and what was to stop Him from taking this baby? I didn’t really allow myself to even think about you for the first few weeks because of this. On the other hand, your Aunt Sammy couldn’t shut up about it and told literally every single person that we ran into that I was pregnant. I’m actually really thankful to her for being so excited because it helped pull me out of my funk.

When I was pregnant with your sister and found out at my parent’s house, I decided to not tell your dad right away because I wanted to wait a week and tell him on his birthday. I made it this big thing and he was in total shock. Your dad doesn’t really like to be surprised so he always told me that if I ever were to be pregnant again, he would want me to just tell him right away…so that is what I did. I texted him a picture of your sister holding a pregnancy test and told him we were pregnant. He responded, “are you really telling me this through a text?” and that hurt my feelings. I was doing what he asked me to do and now he was mad about it? He was in Spain, like I said, and he was so busy and I had no idea what he was doing or what time it was, so I decided a text was better than a call. Eventually, he called me to tell me how excited he was…can I just tell you…he is SOOOO excited about you!

Ever since I found out about you, life has just been insane. We’ve been traveling everywhere going to camps, visiting people and going on vacation this summer and I haven’t really gotten to just sit and think and wonder about you. Every now and then I get all welled up thinking about having you here to love. Another piece of my heart that I get to hold and snuggle and nurture. Here I am, 13 weeks along with you, and I can honestly appreciate what a blessing you are. I’m so lucky that although God took away a son, He’s giving us you. You are not our second choice by any means, little one, you were the surprise of a lifetime and our answer to prayer. We are so excited for you to join us in February and can’t wait to discover who you are! Since you were a surprise to us, we want to honor that fact and keep your gender a surprise as well. We love you already…so so so much. Selah has no idea that you are coming yet…we’ve told her, but she doesn’t quite get it yet, but I can assure you, she is going to get a kick out of you! I just know you guys are going to be the best of friends.

I hope that you are able to just sit tight in my belly and cruise right along until you are good and ready to come out. I hope that you come into this world feeling overwhelmingly loved, cherished and wanted. I hope that this story of how you came to be doesn’t make you feel weird or sad in any way, rather, I hope you are able to see this as the divine miracle you are. God knew we needed you and He’s the one that orchestrated this whole thing, no matter how unconventional it may seem. He’s definitely done weirder things, one day I’ll tell you about them. Until then, you just keep on cookin’.

-Your ma