A few months ago I started a blog post called “The 10 things I’m afraid to say online”, you can find it here. The idea came from Jenna Kutcher in her podcast, Goal Diggers, and essentially it’s a way to battle the social media highlight reel. It opens up the door into your real life, the stuff you don’t post online. I only did part 1 because I didn’t really want to talk that much about myself in one sitting, but as promised, here is part 2.

6. I’m on my phone way more than I’d like to admit.

This has always been a bad habit of mine. Last year I took a month off of all social media and you can read about that here. Unfortunately…I’m still as addicted as ever to this rectangular object that is with me at all times. So, I’m actually taking a fast from social media this month as well with the exception of maintaining my photography account. You guys, it’s bad. I’m constantly just scrolling through different profiles and it takes up a lot of time that I could be doing much more valuable things. I think some of the reason for my addiction is that words of affirmation to me are HUGE and DM’s are totally my love language. When someone responds to a silly story that I posted or they write a nice comment about my photography or answer a question that I’ve put out there, I feel so loved and known. I just love the fact that someone out there looks at the stuff that I put out into the world and they grant me the time of day, even if that is 2 seconds. Does that make me sound pathetic?

7. I’m constantly worried that people think I’m copying them

Does anyone else worry about this? A few times in the past, I’ve posted something and then realized that one of my friends or acquaintances posted the same thing before me and I freak out that they think I’m copying them. For example, a few months ago, my wedding video popped up on my Time Hop and it gave me the feels, so I posted it to my FB and then when I started scrolling through, I saw that my friend did the same thing that day! She posted her wedding video and then I posted mine and I felt so dumb, I ended up deleting it because I didn’t want to be a copycat.  I was also hesitant to start my dream job of photography because I didn’t want to copy some other people that I knew that were in the industry. I’m very sensitive to this issue, not because I hate being copied, I just don’t want to seem unoriginal. This might stem from the fact that I’m a twin and we always made sure we didn’t look exactly the same or do exactly the same things growing up. The struggle for independence is hard enough when you are a teen, let alone when your sister has the same face as you.

8. Every day is a battle between vanity and humility

Every day I have to consciously switch my brain from being vain to trying to be humble. What I mean by this is that I’m constantly thinking about what I can do to look better, things I want to buy to make my life easier and how to entertain myself. When I catch myself having these thoughts or I’m about to click “confirm purchase” when I just filled up my Amazon cart with things I don’t need, I bounce my thoughts and think about the women I know in Kenya. I took a trip to Kenya a few years ago and spent a few weeks with the Maasai tribe of Ilkerene. I was amazed at the simplicity of their lives and how truly joyful they were with so little. They didn’t need a monthly subscription box to beauty products, they didn’t need to binge watch a show on Netflix just because they were bored and they sure as hell didn’t worry about their looks all day! When I think of these ladies, I’m brought back down from the lofty places I think I need to be and remember that all I truly need is my God, my family… and food, water and shelter

9. I’m not a music person

In high school music seemed so important. It defined what kind of person you were (or so it seemed), it gave words to emotions that you couldn’t describe and it was a way to tell the person you liked them without actually telling them. I remember I used to put way too much thought into my Myspace profile playlist so that it reflected “me”. My playlist varied from Tech N9ne to the Twilight soundtrack to Underoath in case you were wondering. I thought I was really into music…but as I grew into my own, it just stopped mattering to me. I wish I was one of those people that had all these cool under the radar hipster bands that I was always listening to or that I was going to concerts all the time and singing along to every word, but the reality is, I’m not! I just am not passionate about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it, I’m just not really an enthusiast. I would way rather listen to a podcast or an audiobook.  With that being said, maybe you can hook a sister up with some suggestions for some dope music (or podcasts)

10. I’m proud of myself

Those words sound so weird coming out of my mouth, but it’s true! I’m proud of myself for actually going after my dream and doing the job I love, I’m proud of myself for going through with foster care training like I always said I would and I’m proud of myself for learning to make new friends in a new place. What I’m most proud of though, is listening to God. When God first started leading Josh and I to move to San Jose…I was not on board. I straight up told God no and I didn’t care that it was His will for me. It caused a lot of strife in my relationship with Him and also in my marriage. I was very stubborn and had absolutely no desire to step foot in San Jose. When Josh was going to call to turn down the job this time last year, I told him that I’d be willing to go look at this new city although I was still positive I wouldn’t actually end up there. Lo and behold, God made it very clear that we were supposed to be here and I finally submitted. At first, I came kicking and screaming, but after living in San Jose for a month, I actually started to like it! Now being here for almost a year, I’ve seen God do INCREDIBLE things in my life and you know that verse, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11)…I’ve have TOTALLY experienced that tenfold. Even though I was sooooo ridiculously stubborn and defiant about not wanting to go, He has not only worked it all out, but he has helped me PROSPER when I least deserved it. Anyways, that’s a story for a different time

What are you afraid to say online?