That is the struggle, right? We all just want to be known. We want people to see us a certain way, to see the good things we’ve done, our beauty, our skills, our thoughts, opinions and values. We have a deep seeded desire to be seen and valued for who we are. We want to know that we are not overlooked or scrolled over.

So we post things on social media through photos, videos, vlogs and blogs. We put our best face forward and seek approval while swimming through the muddy waters of comparison. We like to think that people are somehow impressed by us; that we are special or unique or artsy. We spend way too much time looking at what others post and seeing how we measure up. I am the guiltiest of these. I spend hours scrolling through my Instagram feed and reading Facebook statuses of people I knew in high school, but haven’t ever had a real conversation with. I take literally hundreds of photos of the same shot to find the most presentable and try countless filters tweaking it just right so that it is not too over edited but just enough. It can’t be too posed, but it can’t be totally candid either because it has to be my good side and show off how long my hair is. Before I even take the photo, I premeditate on what it should say and how I can make myself sound wise or deep or eloquent. Social media has become an issue of pure vanity for me. I get a high when people respond to any of my posts and I constantly check throughout the day to see how many likes I get. When I get a lower number, I wonder what I did wrong. When I get a lot of likes, I feel a sense of accomplishment. It’s quite embarrassing to admit.

All of this has spiraled out of control, starting from a place of just wanting to be known. Recently, the Lord has convicted me of how much time I’ve been spending on social media and encouraged me to take a break. Now being off of it for only a month, I’ve come to process some truths.

I never grasped how much “noise” social media’s presence creates in my life. It’s not only spending so much time thinking about what I post, but I perseverate on everyone else’s posts throughout my day. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an empathetic person or what, but when I see a post that is sad, annoying or even awesome…I think about it all day. It just pops in my head for no reason and has nothing to do with my life. Or when someone posts something negative or rude, I take total offense even though it has nothing to do with me. Since taking a step back from social media, I’ve been able to fill my thoughts with things that are actually prevalent to me. Without all the noise of others, I am able to focus more on my daughter and husband, think through my priorities of the day better and most of all I’m more able to seek what the Lord is teaching me.

I’ve been learning through not being on social media, has created a yearning for true relationships in my life. It’s easy to feel connected to people when they are informing you of what’s going on with their lives through a photo or a status, but there is no sense of intentionality. When I don’t see that you “got a new job, are in a new relationship or that your dog died” I have no idea what’s going on with my friends. Instead, I have to reach out and actually talk to them or be intentional about seeking a good time to meet up. I’ve noticed that I’ve actually been a lot braver over the last month in inviting people over or asking them to meet up! I must say that I love it! While social media is awesome for keeping in touch with people in your life, it’s not very good at creating life-giving relationships that the soul needs! You can share a vulnerable post and have people relate…and that’s cool to see, but it stops there if there is no personal follow-up.

One of the major things He is revealing to me, is how much I want to be known, yet He calls me to make Him known.“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” 1 Peter 2:9. Yiiiiikes. This truth makes me feel so self-centered when I think about how much time and effort I’ve spent on getting “who I am”across on a computer screen. What if I put just a fraction of that time and effort into showing His love? What if I actually lived my life in a manner of making Him known instead of myself? Not just spouting off bible verses on a status or as a caption under a serene nature photo, but actually living life in such a way that people see Jesus instead of Sawyer. If I was doing that, I think it would naturally flow over into all aspects of my life.

On the flip side, Jesus has also been showing me that it’s ok to have a desire to be known and share with others! God made each and every one of us in a unique way with unique gifts and it’s honestly an amazing journey figuring those things out. Psalm 139:13-14 says, “You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.” In order to be known by others, I first must know who I am and to know who I am, I must look to the One who created me. He made each of us in a unique way with a unique story to tell. So why do we idolize the Insta-famous or the Youtube stars and try to mimic our lives to be like theirs? I can’t just force myself to be something I’m not…trust me…I’ve tried. I always find so much peace and freedom when I realize something about myself and choose to walk in the ways He’s made me instead of altering it.  I’ve come to learn a lot of things about myself the last few years and one of those things is that I need to write down or verbalize what’s going on in my life and mind to fully process it. That’s why I write a blog and lengthy Insta captions! But I’ve also come to find, that I seek too much approval in what I share. God’s teaching me that I don’t need anyone’s approval except His…and I already have it! He gave me His approval when He gave us His son. I didn’t have to do anything to earn it. (praise hands!)  I truly think that God delights in people embracing who He made them to be and sharing that with others, and that includes social media.

So….no, I don’t at all think social media is the spawn of satan or even a negative thing! I just know that it has become an idol in my life and I am so glad that God called me to take a break to get my priorities straight.

Moving forward, I am going to enjoy social media for what it is, but not let it take a front-running spot on the priority list! I’m going to limit my time on social media and not obsessively scroll through it whenever my hands are idle. I’m going to embrace who God made me and share only that with the world, not compare myself to trendier ladies and more hipster moms. I’m going to feel the freedom of my creativeness, but not spend an obscene amount of time and energy trying to be perfect. I’m going to use it as a means of seeing what’s going on with others, but not as a substitute for true relationships.