I’m in the midst of a bad mom day. Is it just me? Some days I feel like I have a handle on this whole mom thing…we’ve got our schedule down, there is food in the cupboards and I planned some sort of outing for the day. Then there are days like today…I woke up and really tried to get my head on straight, took the kid to the park, started talking to a mom who was talking crap on all these other moms she knew and how their kids are out of control and it got me wondering if I’m a bad mom too. Would she talk crap about me to other moms at the park if she knew how I mothered? It sent me on this whole downward spiral of all the things I’m doing wrong.

It’s a constant worry for me…constant. The older my girl gets, the more I think I’m screwing her up. The worst part about it is that for how much I worry I’m doing the wrong thing…I don’t change it. The amount of worry I have and the amount of lethargy I feel, do not coincide…yet here I am…living my paradox. It creates a turmoil in my mind that is constantly battling doing what I know, and trying to be more proactive in bettering myself and learning how to be a better mom. Every day I tell myself, ‘I’m not going to let her watch as much tv’ or, ‘I’m going to read a book on parenting’ or, ‘I’m going to try and discipline her better’  but then life happens and I’m behind in work or I feel lonely so I go visit my husband at his job or I scroll through Instagram for the thousandth time or like today…I have the worst headache of my life and I can’t seem to function and I just try get by. I know what you are thinking, excuses. And you know what…you are right. They totally are. Some days are just like that for me. I have excuses, I get tired, I get depressed or anxious or stressed and things just seem to fall apart. Like I said, I’m in the midst of a bad mom day.

On days like today, I find myself thinking not only about all the things I wish I were doing as a mom, but I also find myself thinking about what moms do in other cultures or time periods. Like, what did moms do with their kids during WWII when their husbands were off fighting and they were forced to work and provide for the family? Did they hand them off to their parents, and if so, how did the grandparents have the energy to entertain them all day? Or how do moms in rural parts of the world discipline their children when they misbehave? It’s not like they have the luxury of stopping by the nearest library to pick up a book on parenting to help them out. I just wish I knew all these things. I wish I could look into the future and see how my Selah is going to turn out. Is she going to be overweight from all the chicken nuggets I feed her? Is she going to have a short attention span from watching too much tv? Will she know how to treat others nicely?

Since I don’t know these things, I have to stick to what I do know. I know 10000000000000% that I love my Selah girl with all my heart. I know that I’m so lucky to work both of my jobs from home so that I can see her precious little butt every day. I know that God entrusted me with this specific child and has given me the resources to care for her. I know that this same God loves me even more than I love my Selah and that He is full of grace and mercy…even when moms at the park are not.

Here’s to hoping that tomorrow isn’t another bad mom day…and if it is, to try my best