I just got done listening to a podcast by Jenna Kutcher and I’m so encouraged by her openness and honesty that I’m moved to do the same. If you don’t know who she is, she is basically a marketing and social media guru who knows a lot about being noticed online as well as being known by viewers. She’s already super real online, yet she had the valor to go even further and talk about the 10 things she’s afraid to say online and it was powerful.

Authenticity, vulnerability and intimacy are some of the most paramount aspects in life to me and I find power in naming your fear. Ephesians 5: 11-13 says this, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret, but everything exposed by the light becomes visible-and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” There is something so humbling yet so freeing and empowering about talking about the stuff that is often hidden, and I want to be about that.

So here it goes, 10 things I’m afraid to say online (part 1):

1.I don’t read the Bible every day

There are 2 types of people reading this right now, one type is thinking Who even reads the Bible and the other type is gasping to themselves, But she’s a PASTOR’S wife! When I first started following Jesus, I was thiiirrrssty to know who He was and just know everything I could about this whole Christianity thing because I felt like I was so behind and late in jumping in the game. I devoured my Bible (not literally, I’m not a dog), I ferociously took notes as I was listening to a sermon and I attended way too many Bible studies to try and understand and be the best that I could. I even ended up going to a “Bible college”. The thing is, the more I’ve actually read and marinaded in the glorious goodness that is the Bible, the more I’ve come to understand that God is more concerned with our heart behind things than our actions. When I’ve tried to read my Bible every day, I’ve ended up just making it a check off my list rather than soaking in what I’ve actually read. So,when I do read the Bible, it’s around 9:30am (usually on a week day) while Selah is sleeping because that is when I’m most focused. When I don’t, I give myself grace because I know God truly cares about my heart and not whether or not I’ve read my Bible every day.

2. I’m horrible at cleaning my house

You guys…it’s embarrassing. My mother would not be proud. My sisters and I weren’t allowed to go anywhere on the weekend until our room was spotless and we helped in at least one other area of the house. That is a totally reasonable request and I wish this habit carried on with me into adulthood. The truth of the matter is, I don’t clean unless someone is coming over. I feel bad because technically I’m a stay-at-home mom because I work from home, and I feel like it’s my job to have the house cleaned, but I just don’t do it! Sorry husband…I know I suck at this. It’s my goal to have people over at least twice a month so that the house (let’s be real, the kitchen, living room and guest bathroom) will get cleaned twice.

3. I’m simultaneously so excited and so freaking scared of launching my photography biz

I’ve been dreaming about this for months…actually making some money for doing what I have absolutely fallen in love with. I’ve been borderline obsessed with making this dream a reality and I can’t believe it’s actually happening and I’m also terrified! I’m scared that I think I’m better than I actually am, that I’ll get overambitious and try and take on too much at once. I’m scared that I’ll fail and that I’m not original. So many fears are constantly running through my head as I’m about to take on this new endeavor. I keep on having to remind myself that I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this because I LOVE bringing out the beauty that a family’s unique story has made. I love taking photos that capture the essence of a personality and its relation to another unique personality. I love showing a mother the back of my camera and her smiling in delight saying, “wow, I look beautiful”. I love it all. I honestly feel as though the good Lord has given me this talent and passion to serve others with it. I’ve had my website done for a few days now…so I don’t know what is holding me back from sharing it…but by the time you read this, it will be up!

4. I worry that I let Selah watch too much TV

This may sound dumb and so trivial, but it is a constant worry that I struggle with every day. Every single time I turn on the TV, I feel a twinge of guilt. I’m going to be honest and I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this, but hey that’s what this thing is all about…I turn on the TV for Selah at least 3 times a day. I let her watch a show or two in the morning after she wakes up, around 2 in the afternoon when she wakes up from her second nap and is super grumpy and I usually turn it on before she goes to bed because by that part of the day, I’m just trying to survive until bedtime. I know I sound so dramatic and silly because how hard is it to entertain only one child…but this is my truth. I hardly ever tell people that I even let her watch TV for fear of being mom-shamed. I’ve heard so many moms say that they don’t allow their children to have screen time at all and here I am letting Selah watch Frozen on my phone for the literal millionth time while we are at a restaurant because I don’t want her to be difficult. Please don’t judge me.

5. Being a mom and in ministry is hard

I’ve been in youth ministry basically ever since I graduated high school. I’m freaking married to the Student Ministries Pastor at our church who runs Jr. High, High School and College group. Safe to say, I love working with high schoolers. I think I love it so much because I came to know the Lord when I was a senior in High School and I just am passionate about helping teen girls see who they are in Christ and the life and adventure that is to be had with Him. I love getting to see how God is at work in shaping these girls’ lives and it’s incredible to witness. I have some amazingly strong and deep bonds with the girls that I’ve gotten to lead in a small group in previous years and I wouldn’t trade those relationships for the world. However, ever since I had Selah, my heart is torn. I desire to be a good leader for the girls and be more involved and attentive but I also have to be there for the one girl that God has entrusted to me, and I simply can’t be the best at both. It’s an obvious choice when it comes to high schoolers or my daughter, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about it. I’m trying to give myself grace in that it’s ok that I’m not the best high school ministry leader right now and that it’s ok to say no to be there for my girl.

So there it is…part 1 of the 10 things I’m afraid to say online. I’ll save part 2 for another time. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much Sawyer.

What are some things that you are afraid to share online?