You know the expression, “want to know how to make God laugh… make a plan”, well that’s what I did. I planned on God answering my prayer favorably and didn’t even consider the alternative. So when His answer to my prayer was a no, I freaked out. After a lot of tears, confusion, and processing, I’m seeing things a little clearer. (Just enough to write down a few things that I am learning). So here it is.

This past season has been hard. Hard on my marriage, my relationships and most of all…my faith. During the last 7 months, my heart has been in a tug-of-war between doubt and trust, truth and lies and between wanting to do what I want to do and submitting to the Lord. It’s been a struggle trying to seek the Lord when His plan is not aligning with mine. Realizing you are not in control is jolting. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been praying for my heart’s desire for years and God said no. It’s been really hard to come to terms with and I’m honestly still processing it.

I’ve always believed with my whole heart that God says no sometimes, but that it’s because He has something better in mind. I’ve discovered that that is a whole lot easier to say when life is peachy. God has said no to my prayers before, but only in little things, like when I was dating someone I shouldn’t be or when I didn’t get a job I applied for, but I never thought God could say no to something so near and dear to my heart. I’ve always given everything to God because I trust Him, but this one thing…this was mine. I thought that I deserved it and that it was okay if God had everything else in my life, except this

As I continued to pray that God would answer my prayer, He began to point out verses about what it means to follow Him:

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Philippians 2:5-8

I’m learning that God takes His sweet time to develop us. He is more interested in heart change than anything else.  This often times takes experience, trial, and pain, which doesn’t come or go quickly. Look at Moses; God had him and his people wandering around the desert for 40 years! When God parted the Red Sea for the Israelites to pass through, He didn’t lead them straight into the land flowing with milk and honey, even though they were promised that this is where they would be going.  It took time. It took trust. It took faith. And that was by no means easy. They were so fed up with it at times, they were asking God to go back to Egypt to be slaves again! But what did God do, He provided what they needed, brought them through the desert and delivered them unto the promised land…in His timing.

Although this has been really hard for me, I can’t deny that the Lord is working through this. I believe with all my heart that He is working this all out for good and that He can see something that I am not capable of. I am indeed scared to follow His plan for me instead of my own, but I’m trying to let my faith be bigger than my fear. Because when God says no to us, we have the opportunity to say yes to Him.