I remember taking Selah to church at 3 weeks old and someone stopping me saying, “Isn’t it crazy the amount of love you feel for your child” and another, “I bet you never knew you could love something so much” and yet another, “The moment you saw your child, did your heart just explode with love?” and all I could do was nod my head up and down. The truth is…I didn’t feel that kind of love. I wish I did. I thought I would. Worry had invaded so much of my heart, there was no room for love. Anxiety was my main state of mind. I remember walking with Josh and Selah in the stroller that night, confessing how I lied to the ladies at church, with tears pouring down my face, how I just didn’t love my child the way they explained it. He admitted that he felt the same, but given the circumstances of our crazy and less than ideal start to parenthood, he knew that in time the love would come. I do think the way she was born into this world and my postpartum health issues had a lot to do with the disconnection I felt to my child. Not only was I still dealing with the trauma I experienced at the hospital, but my blood pressure was still super high and I had to be put on medication that just made me feel on edge at all times. In the hospital, the nurses made it seem like Selah was dying when she had to be put in the NICU and then they made me feel like I was dying when I got diagnosed with postpartum eclampsia; so to go from feeling like you and your baby are on death’s bed to being discharged and sent home with no special instructions…it was confusing. If you want to know more about the birth story, feel free to read my last post here: Birth Story. I was lost about how to take care of my baby and I didn’t know how to enjoy her.

The first 6 weeks were full of uncertainty, apprehension, and disconnection. I was so caught up on getting her on a schedule, trying to understand her “different cries”, and trying to do everything the way you are “supposed to”, that I didn’t even think about cute and lovely she was. I tell you…google is a new mom’s best friend and worst enemy. I would be up into the wee hours of the morning just googling anything from the “eat, play, sleep method” to “is it ok if my baby snores”. I discovered very quickly that every mom on the internet has different opinions and contradicting advice. I also found way too many expectations to put on myself. Most days ended in pitiful tears in the newborn days.

One day I realized that I was so absorbed in this web of expectations, that I was completely missing out on my baby! I decided that I could not try and be this perfect mom that knew exactly what her baby needed anymore. I gave up. I realized that the Lord had made me this specific child’s mother and that He knew exactly what she needed…she needed me. She needed me to just relax and enjoy her and listen to my God-given instincts. Once I started living in the freedom of who God made me to be as Selah’s mother, I started to fall in love.

Resting in the truth that He has equipped me and enables me to be the mother she needs and recognizing that He is right here with me through it all has been utterly liberating.

 ^“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.” Matthew 6:31-32

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

The more I let go of the expectations I have on myself and on my daughter, the more I find the opportunity to love her. Taking care of a baby is hard work and at times downright exhausting, but over the last few months, Selah has become my most immense joy and my most precious gift.

Learning to love my newborn did not come as naturally as I thought it would, but by letting go of my fears to the One who first loved me, I was able to get over my initial anxieties and truly delight in motherhood.