The reality of a mini human depending on me and knowing me as, “mama” has not fully hit me yet. Most of the time when I think about it, I’m completely overwhelmed with excitement at the thought of having another person in Josh and I’s little family, but other times I am crushed with the weightiness of unworthiness. I mean, this little babe will be totally dependent on ME. Who am I to know what’s best for my little girl? Who am I to be entrusted with such precious and new life? It’s not like she can trade me in for another momma if I fail…she’s stuck with me! I desire so deeply to be able to be a loving, caring and patient mother, but honestly, I am not very confident in my abilities to do so as I have never done anything like it before. I am, however, confident that the Lord is giving me this specific baby at this time for a reason. I can only hope that as I keep my eyes fixed on the one who created me and all of life itself, that He will guide me.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was visiting my family for the weekend. It was Thanksgiving weekend and Josh stayed home for work. We had been “trying” for a couple months and were both expecting it to take a while to actually happen. He had been the one who initiated the decision to start the journey to parenthood and I was unsure…as always. I have never been the type of gal who is super nurturing and baby loving. As a child I dreamed of being a wife…not a mother…but I wasn’t opposed to it by any means. I didn’t realize how bad I wanted to be a mother until after we got the first 2 negatives on the pee stick. The month previous to finding out, Josh and I were with my family in Ojai on our annual family vacation and they all knew we were trying. My sister kept telling me how cool it would be if we found out we were pregnant while we were with all of them. I was a few days late and started getting excited, so my sisters and I went out and bought a test and as they anxiously waited for me to use it, the sorrow in the pit of my stomach grew as the second line failed to appear. I told myself not to get my hopes up, but I didn’t expect to have such longing. My family was supportive and my sister tried to cheer me up by throwing me a beer, after all, I was allowed to still have one! That trip was one for the books, but I left with a sense of longing. Longing for something I never knew I really wanted. That month was filled with events, stresses from my job and house hunting. When I decided to go visit my family on the central coast for Thanksgiving weekend, I was just planning on a quick visit and dropping Ruthie off to live with them so that we could find a place to live that we could afford. When I was there, Sydney and I went on a beautiful hike and I remember just being in such a great mood and feeling so full of hope for what was to come while trusting in God. We stopped by the dollar store after to pick up some stuff for our mom and I decided to just pick up a pregnancy test. We went about our day and I didn’t really tell them that I was going to take a test in the morning. I slept fitfully that night, full of excitement to take the test with my first morning’s pee. I woke up groggily, peed on the stick and sat it down. The second line appeared almost instantly and I didn’t know how to react! I took the stick down the hall in my pajamas and messy hair to where my parents were drinking coffee and watching Goodmorning America. I said, “Soooooo….I took a test…and it came out positive”. I didn’t really sound excited or anything because I didn’t know how to act. My mom thought I was kidding and then I showed her the stick. She reacted similarly to me and didn’t know what to say…my dad said that he just got a flutter in his heart and I’m pretty sure I saw a tear or two! It took a couple minutes to realize what was happening and my mom made me go get another test. I did what she said and that one came out positive as well! I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing and the house was sort of in this surreal state of calm and content excitement. I knew I wanted to wait a week to tell Josh on his birthday and I think I was just not letting myself get too excited because I had to keep the secret for a whole week from him! As I drove home that day, I lifted up my little life inside me to the Lord and entrusted it to Him as I praised him for His sovereignty in my life.

The next week was total torture not telling Josh, but I was so proud of myself for keeping the secret from him so that I could for once in my life surprise him and give him the greatest birthday present ever! He even asked if I had started my period, and I cold faced lied saying that I had started over the weekend. He didn’t have any inkling that anything was up…I guess I’m a good liar! Finally, on December 4th, 2015, on his 31st birthday, we woke up and went downstairs for coffee and I nonchalantly asked if he wanted his gift. He did, so I went and got it. I had written a message in a bottle (it’s our thing) and taped the positive test to the note. When he realized what it was, HE ABSOLUTELY FREAKED OUT! He instantly jumped up and starting shaking me saying “No way! No way!”To anyone else, it would have looked like he was trying to hurt me, but he was just so excited he couldn’t hold it in! I got the whole thing on video until we ended up on the ground. Then he went to a corner and cried. He kept saying that he honestly didn’t think he could have children (why you ask, I have no idea) but he really thought he couldn’t! We decided to share the news with his family and we shared with our closest friends so that they could be praying for our little creation. We did indeed get some whispers behind our back that we shouldn’t be sharing so soon…but in our eyes, God had created this life for however long He pleased and a life is a life no matter how small…and that should be celebrated.

Our first ultrasound at 8 weeks was INSANE! We went in there expecting to see a blob or a minuscule little dot, but when our Dr. showed us the little hamster shaped babe and let us hear the heartbeat…we almost lost it! We both got teary and couldn’t believe it! We made that little thing! Since that sonogram, our baby has grown and has managed to look more like a human, but that first little hamster photo is our favorite!

Ever since I found out, I had been praying for a boy. For some reason, whenever I pictured myself with children, it was always as a mother of boys. In my mind, God knew this desire of mine and I prayed and prayed that He would bless us with a boy. Every time we went into an ultrasound, they couldn’t figure out what it was but suspected a girl. I still held out hope for a boy though. I didn’t want to believe that God had other plans. It was actually really frustrating trying to figure out what we were having and the lady at our anatomy scan was just really rude and not very helpful so the whole gender thing was not a fun and happy experience. When we finally came to terms that we were having a girl…I cried. I’m ashamed to say it, but I did. Josh was a little disappointed as well. We both had secretly been hoping it was a boy. As I let my hurts known to Josh, he revealed being a little sad himself. We took that time to pray and lift up our little girl and acknowledge that God had given us a girl for a reason. I was sort of upset with God for not giving me a boy when He knew how much I wanted one. I was praying about it all day. I just didn’t even understand why I was so upset and why I even wanted a boy. Then, like a whisper in the wind straight to my soul, God revealed my own heart to me. He showed me that I have always found my worth in men and somehow, my skewed and sinful heart, thought that I would have more worth as a woman if I produced a son. He told me that I need to learn to find worth in women and that He was giving her to me for my own good. I went home and cried to Josh (tears of joy) of what the Lord had shared with me and he told me that God had shared something with him as well. He said that he has a lot of hurt from his own father growing up that he was eager to make up for with his own son, that and the fact that he prides himself in being hypermasculine, and the Lord is wanting him to learn how to nurture and love a little girl first. After we both heard from the Lord, we are both extremely excited about our little Selah and couldn’t imagine having anything but a girl! My favorite moment of this pregnancy so far has been a conversation that I had with Josh last week. I told him about how so far, we are the only ones we know having a girl, and the other couples we know are all having boys. His response was this, “We are the lucky ones!”

Pregnancy itself has been really quite easy for me. I was expecting the worst, but it honestly hasn’t felt that different than my non-pregnant self! Other than the shortness of breath and the extreme fatigue in the first months, it’s been great! I wouldn’t say I’m one of those gals that LOVES being pregnant, but I definitely don’t hate it! I am very blessed to have had such an easy go at it this first time around, and I do not take it for granted. For some reason, God just chose me to forgo all the sickness and ill feelings…maybe He knew I couldn’t handle it? I don’t know, but I’m not complaining!

So as I sit here, reminiscing and spilling out all of my random thoughts about this journey to motherhood so far, I am just extremely thankful. I’m thankful for such a loving husband, family and God. I’m so thankful that I get to be her mama! I have no idea what she will be like, but I love her. I’ve never felt more love in my life and I can’t even fathom how much love I’ll feel when our Selah True is here! She will be a little bit of me, a little bit of Josh and little bit of divine!